banyas and martinis

Kazakhstan is separated from all oceans by thousands of kilometers of land. And Ust-Kamenogorsk is almost in the center. The climate is what's called "Continental," which means it is really cold in Winter, and really hot in Summer. If it is as hot in Summer as it is cold in Winter, I think I might have found hell on Earth. I've heard that in direct sunlight it can reach almost 50 degrees. (That's about 120 degrees fahrenheit.) Nothing is impossible. Really, if I have found hell on Earth, then it freezes over every year; anyone who uses that reasoning, now has no crutch, and can't say, "Yeah, I'll give you $1,000...when hell freezes over!" "Sure, I'll cook you breakfast-in-bed, do the dishes, and rub your feet...when hell freezes over!" Well, I'm sorry, but there'd better be some breakfasts-in-bed and feet-rubbing going on; and you can send the thousand bucks to my address. The cold and heat isn't that bad, however, because it is dry. Texas is right next to the Gulf of Mexico. My first trip to the banya reminded me of what Galveston feels like on a unusually hot day. Though a traditional banya can feel a whole lot more uncomfortable. There are (I think) three different styles of banya that are popular here in Kazakhstan: the Russian, the Finnish, and the Turkish. Russian banya is your meat-and-potatoes banya; typically men prefer it to the other two, but this is the standard. This is the routine: First, you strip. Second, you sit in a very hot dry sauna. Third, jump in a cold pool. Repeat steps two and three ad nauseum. Fourth, take a shower and clean yourself. Fifth, drink a beer or shot of vodka. Repeat step five ad nauseum, literally. There are various knick-knacks and accoutrements that can be instituted as the second stage of the banya, among them, a felt hat and gloves for the die-hard veterans with molten lava for blood, birch leaves soaked in boiling water, and a fat Russian or Kazakh man hitting you with said birch leaves while grunting a deep-bellied chuckle. I don't usually opt for the latter. The amount of scalding steam increases linearly with the amount of people in the banya with you, because each person adds a cup of water to the coals when they come in; and exponentially with the age of your banya-mates, because the older they are, the more completely they have fried their nerve endings that sense heat. You can usually tell upon opening the door to the sauna if you can handle the heat, typically with the tried-and-true test: if your eyes don't shrivel and your face melt off, you'll be okay for up to 10 minutes, unless someone comes in while you're there. You occasionally find steam baths here and there. They are very hot, very wet saunas. It's like a hot swamp or something. Other than that there's not much difference between Russian and steam baths. In the south, Turkish style is popular, but it's usually only for women. There are too many frills I suppose. In this banya, you strip, douse yourself in water, and lay on heated stones, then you could sit in a hot tub, but after that it's like Russian banya. If Russian banya is, let's say, a vodka martini, then a steam bath is a gin martini, and Turkish banya is a mudslide, all smooth and relaxing.

In the south, when I went to the public banya, it was separated by sex. It's generally the same everywhere in Kazakhstan. Even in the north it is not common to be mixed, the European way. No one here has the same reservations about nudity; in a banya, everyone is VERY naked. Bathing suits and modesty get in the way. And what's the big deal anyway? People go to banyas to relax, enjoy the heat, and get clean, not to look at dirty, fat men (or women). I admit that it was a little strange for this southern boy to strip down to his skivvies around other strange men. It's something I'm just not used to, but after a while I felt liberated in more way than one. American conservativism is good, but it comes at a heavy price: nudity can't just be nudity, it always has to be sexual. So something as mundane as taking a bath becomes perverted. I remember one of my girl friends in college said one time that she didn't want to go see a particular movie because there was a small scene with a naked woman in it. "What's the big deal for a girl to see another naked girl, I mean, especially since you are a girl?" I asked. She said she just didn't want to see another woman's breasts. Well, I don't really want to see a naked man either, but I'm not going to pass up a good movie because of it. I go to see the movie. Same thing in this situation: I go to take a bath.